Conehead

Grills looked down to remind himself of where he was, and why. His entire body tingled with vigor, as if his master had personally seen to his summons. Grills wasn't sure it hadn't. All he knew was that his longsword itched to find something to sink its length of steel into.

He raised his eyes to take in the scenery around. Tall, yellow grass as far as the eye could see. No indication that the land made any sort of dips or dives, or even a slight incline. It was unsettling, to say the least. The fields swayed gently from a light breeze, carrying with it the sickly sweet stench of past violence. That was more unsettling. He took a moment to shake off the woolheadedness that often accompanied the summons.

A voice boomed in his head, interrupting his introspection. "Go. Now. You're needed on the front." Grills knew better than to hesitate. He'd seen what happened to his previous squadmates. They'd been sent on missions to protect the master, though everyone knew that meant there was no coming back. If you couldn't cut it on the front lines, it was the only place for a soldier to go. Sacrificing yourself to save someone you might not even know. It was an uplifting life.

Breaking into a trot, he aimed towards the direction the voice guided him instinctively to. He felt every muscle in his legs tense, spring-loaded and ready for action. He'd done this dance countless times before; in a few moments, he'd come across his target. One of the mystical beings that controlled beings of all shapes, sizes, and levels of sentience. One of the same beings that was controlling him now.

He noticed a small clearing in the grassy field ahead, and slowed to creep forward in the grass. He had to be unseen. It was the only way to prevent "accidentally" running into another servant of the masters. It was difficult to get to the beings in the first place, but once you did, they were all but helpless.

Peeking over the tops of the grass near the clearing, he spied the being. It looked wounded. Obviously someone, or something, had harried it previously. He could probably finish it off in one clean stroke.

Approaching the being seemed far too easy; usually untold numbers of threats came between him and the mysterious figure, forcing a retreat before he could reach it. But not this time. There was nothing stopping him. He could taste the sweet readiness of victory already.

It was almost unfair. As he pulled back his sword for a chop that would slice the being hopefully clean in twain, it turned to finally recognize its danger. Its face contorted into a look of horror. It knew its time was come. Grills swung with all his might.

But as the sword drew near the being, a halo of golden light surrounded his sword and slowed it to a halt. He could feel the energy of the killing blow being seeped away from his strike, being sent to somewhere else. No. He could feel where. His mouth went dry. The master. Bastard.

The being stared in shock for a moment, then slowly slipped into arrogance as it realized what was happening. He smiled as his arms outstretched towards Grills.

...

Seriously, how lame of a story would that make? Well, it's all possible thanks to this week's card!.

Okay, aside from the lameness of that passage, what's there to say positive about this card? Nothing. You might gain some life out of the deal, but who cares? If you want to make it worth your while, you're going to wait until you attack with something that has at least 3 power. At which point, why aren't you just doing the damage to your opponent instead? The tradeoff of "I could have dealt you damage, but I think I'm going to gain life instead" is nowhere near even. Not only that, but you have to sacrifice the damn thing to get the effect in the first place!

I can think of like 12 cards that would be better than this off the top of my head. Howabout this?

Less Shitty Cone
0
Artifact
T, Sacrifice Less Shitty Cone: Target creature gains lifelink until end of turn.
The shittier something is, the easier it is to find something less shitty.

There. Now we have a card that probably will still never see play, but at least is potentially playable. Christ, why even have to sacrifice the damn thing?

Even Less Shitty Cone
1
Artifact
3, T: Target creature gains lifelink until end of turn.
It's amazing what you can do on rage.

Amazing, look at that! Granted, it has a mana cost now, but I'd still play this card 100% of the time more often than the scrapheap our friend Delif came up with.

I need to find Delif and kill him. No, wait, I think I'll just force him to use an endless supply of his own Cones on himself. Yeah, that'd be good revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge.